


Final Fantasy VII: The Whole Damn Loaf

by rubia_ryu



Category: & Remake, Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Gen, Other, Parody, Spoilers for the original FF7, but none from Remake
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:35:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23760172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rubia_ryu/pseuds/rubia_ryu
Summary: I once had a dream where Cloud was having a picnic with Aerith and Tifa, but then Sephiroth came from nowhere and stabbed his sandwich. It got trippy fast, but from there, a new fancanon was born.SPOILER WARNING: To new fans of FF7 through the Remake, if you don't want to be spoiled by events later in the original story, you can stop at Chapter 9, where I'll end the Midgar arc. I won't have any Watchmen of Fate subplots, but I may dress it up with some references to the Remake.4/20/20: I've reached as far as the train graveyard in the Remake, so please, no spoilers thereafter. I'll update this as I go.
Kudos: 2





	Final Fantasy VII: The Whole Damn Loaf

_"The Lifestream, beautiful, mysterious, enchanting, the source of all life on this planet Gaia. One could say it is the lifeblood of the planet, as well as the lifeblood of every living thing on it. People, plants, creatures of all sorts; all are given life by the planet and are someday due to return to the planet. This neverending cycle of life, death, and rebirth is what unites us all..."_

_"Oh, man..."_

_"However, what if this cycle were somehow broken? What if the Lifestream were to be removed from the planet and used up to completion? Though no one can say for certain what would await us, the word of the Ancients before us does give us a clear indication: utter annihilation. If the planet were to die, so would everything else upon it..."_

_"Oh, my God... what is this... incredible feeling?"_

_"Oh, um... Barret?"_

_"I feel like... I'm rising higher and higher, that I'm ascending to a higher plane of existence! It... it's so mind-blowin'!"_

_"Is something the matter?"_

_"Mr. Bugenhagen, sir! What is this amazin' piece of wonder on my taste buds that you've granted me!?"_

_"Oh! Ho ho ho! I see you're quite fond of our local specialty. That would be Cosmo bread, a signature of our people's long history of fine craft and cuisine."_

_"It's the best damn bread I've ever had in my entire life! Thank you so much! I'll treasure this taste for as long as I'm still alive!"_

_"Well, I'm flattered you like it so much! Feel free to help yourself to a few more later. Now, where were we...?"_

_"Oh, really!? Awright! Imma go get some right now! Be right back!"_

_"O-oh, um... Alright, then. I suppose this class will take a short break. Ho ho ho... Perhaps I should help myself to another roll too."_

~

"Barret? Barret! Gaia to Barret!"

"...H-huh? Oh. What is it, Jessie?"

"Well, one moment you looked like you were ready to knock Cloud down a peg and the next, you went totally silent. What happened?"

"Oh, right. The merc..." Barret's fist clenches up, but then he relaxes and adjusts his shades. "Hmph! That clueless pup wouldn't know good taste even if Tifa fed him herself! Come on, le's go."

Barret stomps right out of the elevator, as Jessie passes a concerned look to Cloud, who waits by the door idly. She chuckles nervously when he returns her a cold, steely stare.

"Ah, don't worry about him. He's really touchy about this subject. Anyway, let's get a move on, shall we?"

"I may not be a doctor, but I'm sure someone can certify that he's insane."

Jessie's awkward smile fades and she turns back to Barret, who has walked out of earshot. She sighs and beckons Cloud as she hurries off after Barret. Cloud watches her go and sighs to himself too.

"Who likes bread so much that he'd pick a fight for the planet of all things?" he mumbles to himself. "Well, whatever. Just stick with the plan..."

Jessie leads the two men onward and downward to the reactor core, and after crossing many platforms, ladders, and pipes, they finally come to the rafters just above the core.

"There it is, our target."

"Mmm... Man, I can practically taste the Mako in here! Come on, let's go!"

"Hmph... does it taste any better than the bread?"

Jessie stares at him in disbelief and a bit of horror, while Barret slowly turns to him with a vicious glare. Thankfully, Barret still keeps his cool. In fact, he surprises them both by quietly taking out the roll he kept safe in his pocket and suddenly offers it to Cloud.

"If you really wanna know, just take a bite."

Cloud cringes. "After who knows how long you kept that in there? No thanks."

But this time, Barret isn't taking no for an answer. He first steps aside as if playing it cool, but then shoves the roll in Cloud's mouth just as the latter stops talking.

"You can believe me or not, merc, but I'll say this one last time: Once you're done with that thing, your whole damn world is gonna change. Knowing you, probably for the better."

Cloud just stands there, motionless, as if shocked, but by what exactly isn't clear. Jessie gives him a curious look and turns back to Barret, who has begun to descend the final ladder.

"Um, is he gonna be alright?"

"Ha! Mark my words! He's gonna finally wake up and see what he's been missing out all his life! Who knows, maybe he'll even thank me later."

And with that, he slides right down. Jessie still looks a bit confused, but turns back to Cloud. He's still standing idly, but now his eyes have closed, almost as if he were contemplating over something.

"Hey... you feeling alright?"

At first Cloud doesn't respond, but then his eyes open up wide. He rips off a piece of the roll that was stuffed in his mouth, and like magic, it begins to dissolve in his mouth. Before he knows it, he's finished the rest and is licking his fingers.

"Uh, Cloud?"

He quickly wipes his hand off on his pants' leg and finally, he turns to Jessie again. There's a strange look in his eyes. Before, they were simply cold and distant, but suddenly, they seem to have warmed up a bit.

"I'm fine. In fact... I could even say, I've never felt better."

And with that, he hops down the ladder and slides down to hurry after Barret. Jessie watches them go and shakes her head with a sly smile.

"Man... what is with these guys and this bread? It's pretty good for sure, but they act like they'd just been enlightened or something... And where exactly does Barret get all that stuff? It's like he's got a whole bakery somewhere!"

~

Setting the bomb was a cinch. It's nothing that Cloud couldn't handle. He was in SOLDIER. This sort of training was mandatory for even the lowliest grunts. However, just as he was setting the bomb, he and Barret were promptly interrupted by a certain robot sentinel that resides here: the Guard Scorpion. It had come along out of nowhere, climbing along the walls of the reactor, and jumped off and landed right before the intruders.

"The hell is that!?"

"One of Shinra's latest robo-security projects. Better deal with it fast before it starts thrashing the place."

"Hah! No need to tell me twice! I'll make scrap outta it in five!" Barret loads his massive gun arm right at its sensor-face.

"Hmph. I'll only need two." Cloud draws his massive sword and poises for launch.

"Huh? You wanna start somethin', merc!? Fine, I'll finish it in one!"

"Sure you will..."

Now, normally, anyone who sees those machine guns pointed at them would know to move out of the way, but today was special. It wasn't so much the date itself or anything about this mission in particular; but just the fact that for once, two bitter rivals who wanted nothing to do with each other have finally come to agree on one thing: that bread IS Goddamn world-changing. In fact, it's so world-changing that as soon as the Scorpion readied its weapons, the two men began to glow golden, as if surrounded by a mysterious aura. Then, the Scorpion let fire, but to everyone's surprise, the bullets bounce harmlessly off of them.

"You know what? You were right about this bread."

"Ha! So the pup finally learns what I've been sayin' all along, huh?"

"Tch... Don't get carried away. I haven't even shown you what I can do, now that I'm all pumped up."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever! Jes' don't get in my way while I blow it all to hell!"

"That's my line."

In the same instant, both of them rush right into the fray - Cloud leaping around the robot like a superpowered hare and leaving some major dents in the armor and slashing some joints in the chinks, Barret firing away like mad with hot fiery rain of bullets and then red-hot rage energy. One moment, the Guard Scorpion had them in its sights and was ready to execute them; the next, it lost track of them in an instant and was firing wildly, but not leaving even a single scratch in their skin. Even before it can prepare its mighty tail laser, Cloud leaps high above and dives down, slashing off the tail in one fell swing. He quickly leaps a good distance away just as Barret has charged up the biggest of shots and blows away the now burning Scorpion into the air. It flies back and crashes into the reactor core, exploding into pieces and crumples and drops into the pool of Mako below. As it happens, one of its loose pieces bounces off the floor and hits the activation switch on the bomb. The bomb has thus been set.

~

Meanwhile, up in the rafters, Jessie stares in silent disbelief at what she just witnessed. The explosion from the fight with the robot scorpion sent a shockwave through the lower levels of the reactor, and the blazing fires caused some parts of the rafters she was on to collapse. Though she avoided the fires themselves, her leg was now trapped under a fallen boulder. Fortunately, the men are now hurrying back up the ladder. Though they seem to have stopped glowing for now, they have returned and are back to bickering like before.

"Did ya see that? Blew that mother*&%^# away like a bag of hot air!"

"Meh. If I hadn't sliced off that tail, you would've been seared by the laser cannon."

"Hmph! All you took out was a piece! I took out the whole damn thing!"

"That piece was its most powerful weapon."

"Tch! Whatever makes you happy, then. I still got the finishing blow."

"Uh, hey, guys! Guess things went without a hitch, huh?" Jessie chuckles nervously.

"What happened to you?" Cloud asks.

"Oh, nothing... just got caught off-guard. Mind lending a hand?"

The men coordinate rather well, despite their earlier bickering, to lift the boulder up so she can escape.

"Whew! Thanks."

"Better watch yourself next time, Jessie. What would you do if we ain't here to help?"

"R-right. Sorry. It won't happen again." She gives them a bright smile. "Then again, with how easily you took out that thing, it feels like there's nothing you guys can't do!"

Barret grins. "Of course! Like I said, with this mighty Cosmo Bread on our side, there's nothin' that Shinra can come up with that'll hit us!"

Cloud rolls his eyes. "When it comes to you, I'd be surprised if anything would hit you..."

"Yeah! Hehe... uh? Hey! Watch your damn mouth, merc! I'm still in charge of your pay, don't you forget it!"

He groans and goes quiet.

Jessie now lets off a more relieved laugh. "Alright, boys. Take it outside. We gotta bolt!"

With the timer ticking down, a mere ten minutes from activation, the trio make a mad dash for the exit. Even without the blessings of the legendary bread, the men mow through the rest of security like they were the lawn. They shortly catch up with Biggs, who was waiting for them in the floor above, and with Wedge just outside the reactor. And with everyone making a madder dash for the exit before the bomb blows, a sudden explosion from behind them makes Jessie trip over her feet. Cloud helps her to her feet, and they hurry off, just in time.

However, the reactor blows up with such intensity that it shakes the entire plates and the ground around it, unleashing a giant blast of glowing blue-white light firing sky-high, and finally explodes violently one last time like a miniature nuclear bomb had been detonated.

The members of Avalanche hadn't expected a reaction that intense, and now they were trapped amid the collapsed rubble of the corridor leading out to the town. Fortunately, Jessie had a backup explosive to use to dig themselves out of there, but when they finally step out into the open air again, they were greeted with a devastating sight of mass destruction and panic in the damaged streets.

"...What the?" Biggs gasps, looking around in shock.

"T-this wasn't because of our bomb, was it?" Wedge asks, almost panicking himself.

"N-no way! I made sure to follow all the directions exactly! It must have caused a reaction with the Mako or something..." Jessie drifts off into her thoughts, looking back over everything she did.

"Maybe... but wasn't it supposed to be like souped up fireworks?" Biggs asks.

"Well, yeah, but..." She goes silent again.

They all turn to Barret, who frowns back and shakes his head.

"All we needed it to do was send a message..."

"About Avalanche, right?" Cloud asks, sighing. "Well, whatever's happened, that message is loud and clear."

"Right, but it's also sendin' the wrong message..." Barret steps aside, clenching his fist, then points out to the black sky as he yells, "'Cause the damn fireworks were s'pposed to make a giant Cosmo Baguette in the sky! But now we got bunk!"

That had caught him off-guard. "...Damn. That's too bad."

"How are we gonna share the love if everything's blown to hell like this!? AAARGH!"

"..."

The rest of the team goes silent, unwilling to meet eye-to-eye with him now. Somehow, somewhere, someone did #$&@ up badly. Unbeknownst to them, though, it wasn't entirely their fault. There are a few others who had seen this "incident" coming from afar, and they were sitting comfortably in their offices at HQ.

**Author's Note:**

> Cosmo Bread:  
> A type of bread originating from Cosmo Canyon. On first glance, it appears to be like any other, but it is said to be so legendary and delicious that it can create miracles.
> 
> Cosmo Roll:  
> Fully restores one party member's HP/MP. Also has a slim chance to cast Peerless status on them for a few turns.


End file.
